Sadness and Truth

Took a trip to Kearney today.  Since my mom's house is for sale, the trip was to do one final "look over" to be certain there was nothing in the house that needed to come home with me.

The house has been freshly painted, which is beautiful, but also kind of strange to see new colors where it used to be "all mom" in pink.  Guess in some ways it was a sense of closure.  Setting the stage for change.

I had time to think today as I was driving.  Thought about grief.  And, how we process grief as humans.  

I miss my mom.  For all the "normal" reasons - her sense of humor, and her simple physical presence. Her ability to irritate a person with her stubbornness.  But, what really hit home today for me is how much I miss that one single person who is always in  your corner.  No matter what.  That same person may drive you crazy - may make you angry, and frustrated - but, deep down - you knew that they were always excited to see you.  Always interested in what you had to say.  Always your biggest supporter and your biggest fan.  Simply being a mom.  Some days better than others.  There are many ways to demonstrate that support - but no way to duplicate it.

I was also hit with the reality that everything that I mentioned above that was mom for me, also applies to my kids.  The unyielding support she gave them.  How PROUD she was of them.  Her interest in all that they were doing.  How excited she was for all their accomplishments - big and small.  How she was thrilled to get up and hug them every time a visit happened.  (hugs were very important!)  The fact that she wanted to hear them talk - hear their ideas, their dreams, and their plans.  

When I got home, and unloaded the few items that had returned with me, I talked to my hubby about it.  Finally, what I was able to cobble together in my emotions was this - that deep, unyielding love that I have for my kids - my mom had for them as well.  And, as I process through my own grief - part of what I am sad about includes my kids having lost one of their biggest fans.

What's Up, Doc??

We've all been there.  At some point in your adventure of parenting the child complains of some ailment, and you are faced with the decision every parent dreads:  To go or not to go to the doctor.

UGH!  When my kids were babies, I used to wish for a digital readout somewhere on their bodies.  Something that would say, "YES - sick enough" or "NO - don't go" so that I would know for sure.  Little kids seem to have a runny nose or a cough as a constant companion.  They tend to be little wiggling mucus factories, and as the mom somehow we are supposed to know if the fluids squirting out are something to warrant a trip to the doctor's office or not.  

Now, if there was a fever involved that helped narrow the choices.  But sometimes there was simply general irritability from the child, and no fever.  Crying, awake all night, no appetite, and now the adult is sleep deprived trying to make a rational decision.  No fun.

My mom rarely took me to the doctor.  And, by rarely I mean never.  In fact, I remember being old enough to have to fill out the forms at the school, and asking mom what to put under "family physician".  Her response?  "Just put Dr. Smith, there is always a Smith".  

With that as my background, I had a natural resistance of going to the doctor for every little thing.  Even when my kids were infants.  But, my firstborn provided a great learning curve.  He was a very busy baby.  Very curious, and very strong.  Timeline:  He was about 5 months old or so, and we had been dealing with an irritable baby for a couple of days.  He felt warm, so I did the temp check…. and it was 104.5!  I panicked - called the pediatrician - got right in… and, it was nothing.  He just runs a high fever when he is sick.  I couldn't tell 'cuz he was still going strong….

My second child?  She was an easy baby - not as intense as the first.  But, with her if she hit a fever of 99.9, she was down for the count.  I had to learn all over again how to "read" her.  Even a low grade temp could mean she was pretty sick - but there was no way to tell if it was severe or not, 'cuz she would droop right away.  And, we all know that if you take them to the doctor you run the risk of being exposed to every other living germ on the planet that is at the doctor office.  Yuck!

I will say that we have always had super good doctors for the kids.  Doctors that will listen to me, and not think that I am some crazy person dreaming up symptoms in my kids.  And, as they aged, and we got to know the doctor better - there were times that I could call in with what was happening - and they knew our situation well enough that if I suspected strep or an ear infection, it probably was one.  That was nice - not to have to try and convince someone every time.

My advice (for what it is worth) - TRUST your mothering instincts.  If something doesn't feel "right" with your child - take them in no matter what your friend, or your mom, or the internet tells you.  You know your kid best.  And, likewise, remember that the doctor is only human.  Don't be afraid to ask questions of the doctor for what they are doing and why.  You HAVE to be the advocate for your child.

The whole going to the doctor thing does get easier as the kids get old enough to talk about what hurts or what doesn't.  With teenagers and young adults you can have a bit of a discussion with them to decide if the doctor visit is truly necessary.  I had to take my youngest in just last week.  Sore throat that had lasted for several days, and then she spiked a fever of 102.  Yup.  In we went - with strong instructions to not touch ANYTHING.  (and WASH, WASH, WASH as soon as you get back home!)  

One final moment of transparency… just to add insult to injury…. and more reasons for me to withdraw my application for mother of the year…. I had instances with both of the older children where they had actually broken/fractured a bone - but, I didn't take them in right away because I wasn't convinced that they were really hurt.  Waited a couple of days with each of them before going in for the x-ray.  Yeah…. not a proud parenting moment there.  But, I am happy to report that by the third child when the elbow was bending the wrong direction, I was quick to take her - I didn't second guess myself at all with that. 

Here's hoping that your summer remains a healthy one!   

ELEVEN AND A HALF WEEKS????

Our school district incorporates our "Spring Break" around the Easter holiday.  As I type this, today is the final day of our spring break, which means that there is only about a month left of school for my high school girls.

When my kids were in upper elementary and middle school I would dread the amount of time they had home from school over the summer.  There just wasn't enough for them to do, and I didn't want to be in charge of entertaining them all day long.  But, the lawn can only be mowed once a week - and the other household chores weren't enough to prevent boredom during those long days of summer either.

What is a mom to do?  Well, if you haven't already - start planning!

Here are some great ideas for older elementary kids to do over their summer break:

- volunteer at the library (summer reading program, or shelving books)

- volunteer at the local vet (walking pets, cleaning cages, etc.)

- get involved with camps - either as paid help, or as a volunteer

- check out your local area Vacation Bible Schools.  Volunteers are a key component of VBS - and older kids are usually very welcome.  If you have younger kids - what a great place for them to spend some time making new friends.

- Let them get creative.  My youngest daughter loves animals.  She spent a couple of her summers being the neighborhood "dog walker".  She created her own flyers, and distributed them door-to-door to the neighbors.  

- Mother's Helpers.  Ask some of the younger moms in your neighborhood if they could use a bit of help once or twice a week.  That extra set of hands helping with a preschooler or toddler can be a huge blessing for the mom - and allows your older child to feel like a grown up in the process.

- Yard Care.  When my son was a freshman, we contacted a couple of the guys we knew that did lawn service in the area.  It was hard work, but it got our boy out of the house, and he was making some money in the process.  You could ask a neighbor if they would like some volunteer "help" with their flower beds or gardens.

- Learning Opportunities.  Maybe there is a camp at your local college that your child can participate in - make some phone calls.  Check your local papers - these are great learning adventures for older kids.

- Swap kids with a friend for a day.  Or two.  My girls would spend time at a friends house once in a while, and then I would return the favor.  They loved the break nearly as much as I did.  Like their own little "mini camp" with a friend.

- Grandma Camp.  (my personal favorite!)  We would arrange with the grandmas for our kids to spend a week.  Hands down our favorite part of the summer for many years!

Hope that helps to get the creative juices flowing.  With a bit of advanced planning the eleven plus weeks will fly by!  Good Luck!

Twenty Years and counting…..

Twenty Years.  That’s how long I have been trying to figure out this parenting thing.  There are some great days and some not-so-great days.  When the kids were little it felt like the hours would drag by, but the months were zipping by at a record speed.  Along the way I have tucked away some very valuable lessons from my experiences.  

I am going to share with you something that happened to my firstborn, and me, when he was in preschool.  It was a learning experience for both of us.

One day for preschool the class was going to do an “outing” to a local fish hatchery/aquarium.  Drivers were needed to transport the kids, and I volunteered to do so.  Other parents who could not take their kids for whatever reason were to sign up with one of the volunteer drivers.  I had a van full of 4 and soon-to-be-5 year old boys.  

The entire way to the aquarium the boys were talking and planning for the upcoming birthday party for one of the boys.  I’ll call him Joey.  (names have been changed to protect the innocent)  Joey had all sorts of ideas and plans for what would be happening at his birthday party.  Games, treats, going out for supper, possibly a baseball game - the works!  He was so excited to be planning this party, and my passengers were only too happy to add to the ideas and possibilities.

We arrived at the aquarium, and everyone had a good time looking at all the amazing fish.  When our time there was done, back into the van we loaded and began our return to the school.  Again - the entire trip of about 15 minutes was spent going into great detail about Joey’s upcoming party and how much fun it would be.  I did try a couple of times to steer the conversation to a different topic, but it seemed to be a primary focus for all in the van, so I just gave up.  What harm was there in all this party talk, right?

When we pulled into the school parking lot, Joey’s mom popped out of her vehicle.  (weird - why couldn’t she drive for the field trip?) She was holding a huge bouquet of brightly colored balloons.  She came right up to Joey and said, “Happy Birthday, honey”.  Then she proceeded to take all the boys from my van EXCEPT MY SON and load them into her van - all the while talking about how the party was going to be amazing and they would have so much fun.

I kind of lamely said something like, “oh, the party is today - they have been talking about it”.  At which, she turned and looked at me and said, “oh, I’m sorry - I can’t take any more my van is full.”  My son was crushed.  (She had not driven for the field trip so that she could get all ready for the party.)  Did I mention that my son was crushed?

You may have heard of that mama bear that comes out when your child is in danger or hurt.   The mama bear in me came out - in full force.  I was shaking I was so frustrated with the situation.  But, I took the high road (with God’s help) and directed my boy into the school with the teacher to distract him.  The teacher (bless her heart) was very gracious and helped to distract my son while also giving me the satisfaction of agreeing with me that the behavior of the other mother was ugly.

What did I learn that day?  Well, for starters that I can not control the way that other people parent.  I can only control my own parenting.  

I learned that there will be many, many, MANY times when my child is hurt/angry/frustrated, and there is nothing that I can do to fix it.  Allowing the child the chance to GROW through it provides a wonderful coping skill for adult life.  

Most importantly I learned that my actions speak WAY louder than my words.  My son still remembers the incident - but, only vaguely.  He remembers talking it through, but not how hurt he was.  My heart still hurts for that moment - but, I was able to forgive.  Parenting provides multiple opportunities for extending forgiveness - to others, to my children, and to myself.  And the lessons in parenting continue...

Note to Self --- Twenty years later

My oldest child will soon be twenty years old.  HOW did that happen?  I mean, I know how it happens, but honestly -- how does time go that quickly?  

That makes me an “experienced mother”.  If by that you mean I have had experiences, then by definition that is true.  If you think that makes me an expert - please stop reading this now because I am in no way a parenting expert!  If anything - what I am about to tell you would be more along the lines of “Captain Obvious” bits of wisdom.

Here are fifteen things that after twenty years of experience I would tell myself as I gaze into my first child’s newborn eyes.

THAT BABY EXITED YOUR BODY, BUT HE TOOK YOUR HEART WITH HIM.  (or her)  Your love for this child is unexplainable.  Whether you gave physical birth, or struggled with adoption - the love you have for your child is intense.  Your body will show the physical signs of pregnancy wear and tear - a few pounds here, some stretch marks, maybe some stitches - but, there is no physical evidence to show that your heart will leave your body and yet you will continue to breathe.  (and it happens anew for each child - what a miracle!)

THE NATURAL ART OF BREASTFEEDING WILL ALTER YOUR BREASTS FOREVER.    No one tells you (or your husband) how this will impact you going forward.  Regardless of your decision to breastfeed or not - the once young, bouncy, perky .... become very utilitarian.  Enough said.

VAGINAL VS. C-SECTION and BREAST VS. BOTTLE ??  Guess what, mom.  I have a newsflash:  The baby will come out - and the baby will eat.  How it happens isn’t worth losing sleep over.  Do what works best for you, and be ok with your decision.  You can find other things to lose sleep over.

YOU DON’T NEED AS MUCH SLEEP AS YOU THOUGHT.  For the next few years your sleep patterns will be interrupted.  You may reach a day that you will pay ANY amount of money for even six short hours of uninterrupted sleep.  It will pass.  Sleep will come again.  Until then, take naps.

THE COST OF DIAPERS AND FORMULA IS THE SMALL EXPENSE.  All that money spent on diapers (and formula - if you use the bottle)?  You can stop worrying about how much it is costing- there are going to be much larger bills coming in the future.  (think braces, high school activities, insurance for teen drivers, prom, and college tuition!)

NO MATTER HOW MANY PARENTING BOOKS YOU READ - YOUR CHILD HAS NOT READ THEM.  I love books.  I love to read and learn.  But, no matter what the books have to say - your child has not read them, and thus has no idea what they are “supposed” to do according to any author.  It’s great to read the books, but remember that anyone can put words on paper - that does not make them an expert.  (ahem)

READ.  A LOT.  I don’t mean the parenting books.  I’m talking about children’s books.  Read with your child.  Read beside your child.  Read TO you child.  Turn the screens off.  Technology is so fast changing that there is no point in thinking that you give your child an advantage for being “current” with whatever new gadget there is out there.  Reading will be the best skill they can ever develop, and screen time delays reading skills.  (The occasional screen “babysitter” for mom’s sanity is a different story - just make it the exception, not the rule.)

YOUR CHILD’S GOOD BEHAVIOR or THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR IS NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR PARENTING SKILLS.  How you handle either of those behaviors from the child is what others will judge you by.  Your child has something called “free will” - they come with it already installed.  So, now matter how many times your provide positive reinforcement - or negative consequences - there is no guarantee that your child will say/do/perform as you tell them to.  Don’t hang your hat on your child’s actions - be in control of yours.  This one is tough - ‘cuz we want to bask in the glory of our child’s accomplishments.  We want to die of embarrassment when our child makes a bad choice.  Guess what - both of those are our child’s to own - not ours.  All we can do is provide the appropriate reactions from ourselves in either circumstance.

DON’T GET SO FOCUSED ON THE SAPLING THAT YOU MISS THE BEAUTY OF THE FOREST.  They will grow up.  Our job is to create adults who are moral and contributing members of society.  The potty training will happen.  They will stop biting others.  They will stop sucking their thumb.  Their language skills will develop.  Relax.

WORRYING OVER EVERY MILESTONE IS POINTLESS.  There will always be a neighbor kid who grows faster, walks sooner, reads better, gets better grades, .... whatever.  Your child needs to know that you are proud of them for who they are.  Save your worry for when they start to drive!  

THE HOURS and DAYS WILL DRAG BY SLOWLY, BUT THE YEARS WILL SPEED BY IN A BLINK.  Those days of endless wiping of every body orifice will pass.  It may seem like it will last forever, but it doesn’t.  And, before you know it - you will be remembering those days fondly.  

LAUGH.  A LOT.  It helps.  Trust me!  Don’t take yourself so seriously that you forget to enjoy your child.  Laugh with your child - do fun things together.

BE MEAN.  Don’t go all “squishy” on your kid.  Mean it when you say it.  Don’t make idle threats about how many chances they get, or how far you will count, or what the consequence will be.  It may not make you popular, but popularity isn’t what you are after - you want respect.  No one respects a person who doesn’t mean it when they say it.

WHATEVER WE DO NOT FORGIVE WE CARRY ON.  Let.  It.  Go.  When someone does something that offends you - forgive them. Your child will say/do things that will hurt you. Others will criticize your parenting technique - or your child.   Put the “mama bear” back in the cave, and continue living.  You won’t have time or energy to keep track of everyone who has offended you.  Let your child see that forgiveness frees you from a very heavy burden.  

KEEP TRACK OF IT, OR YOU WILL LOSE IT.  I’m not talking about all the “stuff” or the schedules... I’m talking about YOU.  Remember who YOU are as a woman, a wife, a friend.  Take care of you and continue to have interests/hobbies/friendships outside of your child’s realm of influence.  When the child leaves, you need to know that you still have a life of your own.

There you go.  Fifteen pearls of “Captain Obvious” wisdom from an Experienced Mom.  Or, at least a mom with experiences.  

HOLI-DAZE

Are you traveling for the holidays, or is the family coming to your house?

Is there any way to keep the peace over where you are supposed to be and when?

My hubby and I have been married for almost 25 years.  In that length of time, there has been only once where we didn't make the trip to our parents'/grandparents' homes for Thanksgiving.  This year appears to be lining up for the second time that this will be the case.

It doesn't make everyone happy.  I'm not sure that I am even happy about the decision.  But, it will be the least stressful in the long run.

This year we have a child in the Cornhusker Marching Band who has to report early Friday (day after Thanksgiving) morning for band.  Two of our other children have to report early the same day at the school for the One Act practice.  Our option would be to drive to the family holiday meal and home again in one day if we want to attend.  Can it be done?  Sure.  It is fun?  No.  It would be about 6 hours on the road for one meal.  And, that's saying that the weather cooperates.

There are all sorts of creative ways for dealing with "whose turn" it is for hosting the Thanksgiving meal.  My own family used to plan for the Saturday following Thanksgiving which worked great for a number of years.  I have heard of others that plan for whatever random date on the calendar when everyone can be "home".  That makes the most sense to me, personally.   The date isn't what is important - getting together with the family is what matters.

My hubby and I grew up together.  Our parents knew each other before we even started dating.  Having both families live close together has many advantages.  But, also some disadvantages.  We were able (expected) to attend every family meal.  At every house.  Every year.  When our first born was little, that meant at least 3 Thanksgiving meals.  There was more than one year when we did lunch at one grandparent, supper at another grandparent, and then the following day at a parent's home.  And, that was only one side!  

Insane, right?  Well, it does make it difficult to relax fully.  One eye always has to be on the clock.  Then there is the packing up of all the "stuff" and becoming mobile to the next home only to repeat the process.  But, the plus side is that every year we got to see every family member.  Those memories we will have forever.  

I know that there are some who decided that once they had kids, they were not going to travel any more.  I applaud them.  I'm happy that that works for them.  But, my hope is that when I am old and gray, my kids will follow the example that we set for them and come with their children to visit me.  Even if we have Thanksgiving in May.

Win the Battle - Lose the War?? TOO SCARY!!

There are so many times in parenting that a person has to decide if it it worth it to win the battle when ultimately the result could cause you to lose the war.

We want to control all the parts.  Control all the decisions.  Control every element.  Everything.  And, the reality is we can't.  Oh, sure when the children are little, we seem to have more control.  Or, at least some feel like they have control if their child is a compliant child.  Those of us who have experienced a child who is a strong willed and independent thinker realize early on that we don't really control any part of them.  The best we can do is channel those strengths in a positive manner, and teach the child to obey out of respect.  Respect for authority, and respect of ugly consequences.  

Just like God does with us.  But, that's another blog.  Today I am going to use the example of Halloween.  

When my kiddos were toddlers and then in preschool Halloween was simply an official day for doing what they loved to do most - dress up and pretend.  (with an added bonus of parading around and getting candy)  There was nothing sinister about it, and we sheltered them from the spooky and creepy in every extent that we could.  When we had a choice of what they would dress up as, we went with easy things (meaning costumes that already existed within the family - from cousins) - like, a clown.  Our son had a HUGE fascination with cows, so his first "choice" of a costume was a "moo-cow" which he loved.  His sisters later did not approve so much of his choice that they got to inherit.  

We have had jelly-beans, pirates, ninjas, Star Wars characters, princesses, nurses, witchie-poos, angels, bumblebees, cowboys, nerds, little-old-ladies, and cheerleaders.  On a particularly creative adventure, I even accompanied dressed as "static cling".  (think all black with socks stuck to me - ha!)  

The kids had fun, and the experience was short-lived.  My hubby and I didn't make a big deal out of the dark side of Halloween when they were little at all.  The kids had no idea it existed.  Whether or not they would be allowed to trick-or-treat wasn't a battle that we wanted to fight.  We were well aware of the sinister meaning behind Halloween, but also knew that we had made it through our childhood which included wearing costumes, and trick-or-treating, and we did not have life-long scars.  We decided that this was a battle not worth the fight in order to advance our strategy for a win of the war down the road.

As the kids got older, and were exposed more to the creepy side and meaning of Halloween, they came to us with questions.  We answered them as honestly as we could, and we talked about all the aspects of celebrating.  We discussed the reasons behind why some of their classmates didn't get to "do" Halloween for their families' stance on the evil connection behind it.  We taught them that others families make different choices than our own house, and we have no control over those choices.  I had no idea at the time that those little life-lessons about costumes and Halloween would also be able to apply in so many areas throughout their growing years.  My husband and I watched as some parents attempted to control every small thing (win the battle), and cause their children to go into full rebellion against every rule they put into place (lose the war).  Today my kids barely give Halloween any thought at all - except as a reason to hang out with their friends and eat candy.  (WIN!)

I marvel at the undue anxiety we bring on ourselves as parents with all the control we think we can wield over our children.  We will stress out over the silliest things - like Halloween costumes, or what they can eat as a snack, or which t-shirt they can wear.  (I'm not talking about keeping them healthy and safe - just the every day choices we try to control).  We drive ourselves crazy trying to micromanage these little humans.  I don't remember my own parents being so worried over my every choice.  They let me have the freedom to experience different choices and live with the results.  I'm sure that some of my choices made them cringe!  But, they evidentially didn't feel like they had to win every battle in order to maintain victory in the war.

The children that my husband and I parent are not anywhere NEAR perfect.  Those of you who know us are aware of that!  They have make bad choices.  (usually when they disregard the advice we give them - ha!)  They will make bad choices at some point in the future, I'm sure.  But, these same children are respectful of adults, they maintain good grades, they are involved in their community with volunteering opportunities, and they understand the value of honesty and a dollar earned.  We have guided them to the best of our ability, with God's help.  We love them and are very proud of them.  But we had no control over their decisions.  We have cultivated some strong independent thinkers.  They each had to learn their lessons on their own, at their own pace.    

For reasons I can't explain, some parents never "get it".  No matter how much these parents try to control every aspect of their children's lives, the kid refuses to be controlled.  Or is it IN SPITE of all the control their parents demand?  These kids rebel at every opportunity.  Maybe just to prove they can't be controlled?  The parents feel out of control, and panic - so they try to control even more.  It is a vicious circle. 

Is it because the parents refuse to lose some of the battles in order to win the war later?  Is every issue that we face something that we have to battle over and win?  Don't those parents see that a wall is being built that may never come down?  It is frustrating beyond words to watch a child struggle with discovering what consequences mean.  It is scary to watch them grow and test the boundaries of safety within the family.  And, sad to watch other parents win a small battle (like if they can or can not wear a costume) that causes them to lose the war.  

It's Halloween.  Let them wear a costume and have some safe fun.  It isn't a battle worth fighting.  In the end, you may just win the war.