Took a trip to Kearney today. Since my mom's house is for sale, the trip was to do one final "look over" to be certain there was nothing in the house that needed to come home with me.
The house has been freshly painted, which is beautiful, but also kind of strange to see new colors where it used to be "all mom" in pink. Guess in some ways it was a sense of closure. Setting the stage for change.
I had time to think today as I was driving. Thought about grief. And, how we process grief as humans.
I miss my mom. For all the "normal" reasons - her sense of humor, and her simple physical presence. Her ability to irritate a person with her stubbornness. But, what really hit home today for me is how much I miss that one single person who is always in your corner. No matter what. That same person may drive you crazy - may make you angry, and frustrated - but, deep down - you knew that they were always excited to see you. Always interested in what you had to say. Always your biggest supporter and your biggest fan. Simply being a mom. Some days better than others. There are many ways to demonstrate that support - but no way to duplicate it.
I was also hit with the reality that everything that I mentioned above that was mom for me, also applies to my kids. The unyielding support she gave them. How PROUD she was of them. Her interest in all that they were doing. How excited she was for all their accomplishments - big and small. How she was thrilled to get up and hug them every time a visit happened. (hugs were very important!) The fact that she wanted to hear them talk - hear their ideas, their dreams, and their plans.
When I got home, and unloaded the few items that had returned with me, I talked to my hubby about it. Finally, what I was able to cobble together in my emotions was this - that deep, unyielding love that I have for my kids - my mom had for them as well. And, as I process through my own grief - part of what I am sad about includes my kids having lost one of their biggest fans.
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