Win the Battle - Lose the War?? TOO SCARY!!

There are so many times in parenting that a person has to decide if it it worth it to win the battle when ultimately the result could cause you to lose the war.

We want to control all the parts.  Control all the decisions.  Control every element.  Everything.  And, the reality is we can't.  Oh, sure when the children are little, we seem to have more control.  Or, at least some feel like they have control if their child is a compliant child.  Those of us who have experienced a child who is a strong willed and independent thinker realize early on that we don't really control any part of them.  The best we can do is channel those strengths in a positive manner, and teach the child to obey out of respect.  Respect for authority, and respect of ugly consequences.  

Just like God does with us.  But, that's another blog.  Today I am going to use the example of Halloween.  

When my kiddos were toddlers and then in preschool Halloween was simply an official day for doing what they loved to do most - dress up and pretend.  (with an added bonus of parading around and getting candy)  There was nothing sinister about it, and we sheltered them from the spooky and creepy in every extent that we could.  When we had a choice of what they would dress up as, we went with easy things (meaning costumes that already existed within the family - from cousins) - like, a clown.  Our son had a HUGE fascination with cows, so his first "choice" of a costume was a "moo-cow" which he loved.  His sisters later did not approve so much of his choice that they got to inherit.  

We have had jelly-beans, pirates, ninjas, Star Wars characters, princesses, nurses, witchie-poos, angels, bumblebees, cowboys, nerds, little-old-ladies, and cheerleaders.  On a particularly creative adventure, I even accompanied dressed as "static cling".  (think all black with socks stuck to me - ha!)  

The kids had fun, and the experience was short-lived.  My hubby and I didn't make a big deal out of the dark side of Halloween when they were little at all.  The kids had no idea it existed.  Whether or not they would be allowed to trick-or-treat wasn't a battle that we wanted to fight.  We were well aware of the sinister meaning behind Halloween, but also knew that we had made it through our childhood which included wearing costumes, and trick-or-treating, and we did not have life-long scars.  We decided that this was a battle not worth the fight in order to advance our strategy for a win of the war down the road.

As the kids got older, and were exposed more to the creepy side and meaning of Halloween, they came to us with questions.  We answered them as honestly as we could, and we talked about all the aspects of celebrating.  We discussed the reasons behind why some of their classmates didn't get to "do" Halloween for their families' stance on the evil connection behind it.  We taught them that others families make different choices than our own house, and we have no control over those choices.  I had no idea at the time that those little life-lessons about costumes and Halloween would also be able to apply in so many areas throughout their growing years.  My husband and I watched as some parents attempted to control every small thing (win the battle), and cause their children to go into full rebellion against every rule they put into place (lose the war).  Today my kids barely give Halloween any thought at all - except as a reason to hang out with their friends and eat candy.  (WIN!)

I marvel at the undue anxiety we bring on ourselves as parents with all the control we think we can wield over our children.  We will stress out over the silliest things - like Halloween costumes, or what they can eat as a snack, or which t-shirt they can wear.  (I'm not talking about keeping them healthy and safe - just the every day choices we try to control).  We drive ourselves crazy trying to micromanage these little humans.  I don't remember my own parents being so worried over my every choice.  They let me have the freedom to experience different choices and live with the results.  I'm sure that some of my choices made them cringe!  But, they evidentially didn't feel like they had to win every battle in order to maintain victory in the war.

The children that my husband and I parent are not anywhere NEAR perfect.  Those of you who know us are aware of that!  They have make bad choices.  (usually when they disregard the advice we give them - ha!)  They will make bad choices at some point in the future, I'm sure.  But, these same children are respectful of adults, they maintain good grades, they are involved in their community with volunteering opportunities, and they understand the value of honesty and a dollar earned.  We have guided them to the best of our ability, with God's help.  We love them and are very proud of them.  But we had no control over their decisions.  We have cultivated some strong independent thinkers.  They each had to learn their lessons on their own, at their own pace.    

For reasons I can't explain, some parents never "get it".  No matter how much these parents try to control every aspect of their children's lives, the kid refuses to be controlled.  Or is it IN SPITE of all the control their parents demand?  These kids rebel at every opportunity.  Maybe just to prove they can't be controlled?  The parents feel out of control, and panic - so they try to control even more.  It is a vicious circle. 

Is it because the parents refuse to lose some of the battles in order to win the war later?  Is every issue that we face something that we have to battle over and win?  Don't those parents see that a wall is being built that may never come down?  It is frustrating beyond words to watch a child struggle with discovering what consequences mean.  It is scary to watch them grow and test the boundaries of safety within the family.  And, sad to watch other parents win a small battle (like if they can or can not wear a costume) that causes them to lose the war.  

It's Halloween.  Let them wear a costume and have some safe fun.  It isn't a battle worth fighting.  In the end, you may just win the war.