Twenty Years. That’s how long I have been trying to figure out this parenting thing. There are some great days and some not-so-great days. When the kids were little it felt like the hours would drag by, but the months were zipping by at a record speed. Along the way I have tucked away some very valuable lessons from my experiences.
I am going to share with you something that happened to my firstborn, and me, when he was in preschool. It was a learning experience for both of us.
One day for preschool the class was going to do an “outing” to a local fish hatchery/aquarium. Drivers were needed to transport the kids, and I volunteered to do so. Other parents who could not take their kids for whatever reason were to sign up with one of the volunteer drivers. I had a van full of 4 and soon-to-be-5 year old boys.
The entire way to the aquarium the boys were talking and planning for the upcoming birthday party for one of the boys. I’ll call him Joey. (names have been changed to protect the innocent) Joey had all sorts of ideas and plans for what would be happening at his birthday party. Games, treats, going out for supper, possibly a baseball game - the works! He was so excited to be planning this party, and my passengers were only too happy to add to the ideas and possibilities.
We arrived at the aquarium, and everyone had a good time looking at all the amazing fish. When our time there was done, back into the van we loaded and began our return to the school. Again - the entire trip of about 15 minutes was spent going into great detail about Joey’s upcoming party and how much fun it would be. I did try a couple of times to steer the conversation to a different topic, but it seemed to be a primary focus for all in the van, so I just gave up. What harm was there in all this party talk, right?
When we pulled into the school parking lot, Joey’s mom popped out of her vehicle. (weird - why couldn’t she drive for the field trip?) She was holding a huge bouquet of brightly colored balloons. She came right up to Joey and said, “Happy Birthday, honey”. Then she proceeded to take all the boys from my van EXCEPT MY SON and load them into her van - all the while talking about how the party was going to be amazing and they would have so much fun.
I kind of lamely said something like, “oh, the party is today - they have been talking about it”. At which, she turned and looked at me and said, “oh, I’m sorry - I can’t take any more my van is full.” My son was crushed. (She had not driven for the field trip so that she could get all ready for the party.) Did I mention that my son was crushed?
You may have heard of that mama bear that comes out when your child is in danger or hurt. The mama bear in me came out - in full force. I was shaking I was so frustrated with the situation. But, I took the high road (with God’s help) and directed my boy into the school with the teacher to distract him. The teacher (bless her heart) was very gracious and helped to distract my son while also giving me the satisfaction of agreeing with me that the behavior of the other mother was ugly.
What did I learn that day? Well, for starters that I can not control the way that other people parent. I can only control my own parenting.
I learned that there will be many, many, MANY times when my child is hurt/angry/frustrated, and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. Allowing the child the chance to GROW through it provides a wonderful coping skill for adult life.
Most importantly I learned that my actions speak WAY louder than my words. My son still remembers the incident - but, only vaguely. He remembers talking it through, but not how hurt he was. My heart still hurts for that moment - but, I was able to forgive. Parenting provides multiple opportunities for extending forgiveness - to others, to my children, and to myself. And the lessons in parenting continue...
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