Somebody's Watching Me.....

Trying to decide when to step in and when to sit it out is a decision that all parents face as they traverse this parenting landscape of uncertainties.  "Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."  (Robert Fulghum)  All of our actions are under constant observation.

We have all heard of "helicopter parents" by now.  Those parents who hover over every part of their children's lives -- always swooping in to the rescue regardless of the age of the child.  NOT a good way to parent.

But, what about those instances when  your child needs your help and you SHOULD step in to assist?  How do we know when we should and when we should not?  What lessons are we teaching in the end?

This past week our household was faced with one of those instances.  My 16-year-old made a very stupid (although very teenage) choice to help some of her friends in band.  How?  Well, she played the recorded test on their behalf because the friends were not able to pass it on their own.  So, first she did hers, then she did the others.  It was cheating.  She saw it as helping her friends with their band stuff.  

They were turned in by another student.  (There is another blog topic - to snitch or not!)  And, my prayer has been that if my children are doing bad things that they be caught.  So, my hubby and I received a phone call from the school in regards to this matter.  We were told that our daughter would have to come in and redo her test.  Um, not a problem since she could do it the first time.  But, this time she would receive only partial credit for the work.  Ooookay.  I agree that she needs to have a consequence for her bad choice - now, what does she need to do in order to bring her grade back up.  (She is currently sitting at a "100%", and this would drop her grade quite a bit).

The teacher told my daughter and the other two girls that they could salvage their grades by coming in and serving time.  A total of 5 hours of time.  Since my daughter works after school, her option was to come in at 6:30 in the morning each day for the following week.  

Now, I have to clarify that she also had to make up an hour for band because she had to miss a contest on a Saturday when the TEACHERS decided that she should attend the speech meet as opposed to attend the band contest.  Still scratching my head on that one, too…. she had to make up the time because she was told to go to the non-graded event as opposed to the graded (band) event.  Both are school activities.  Had it gone the other way, there would have been no make-up time involved.  But, I digress.

So, my daughter spent the week going in early to work her penance for her bad choice.  She was in the band room by 6:30 each morning.  All three of the girls were, actually.  They each went to their own practice rooms, and spent the time practicing.  I don't know how much actual practice time happened, but they were in "solitaire" for an hour and a half.

The girls were then told that they would also need to attend a "game band".  Not a huge deal, but the game band that was available was from 7 at night for a district basketball game out of town, and they would not return until 11:30 that night.  AND, still need to be at school the next morning early.  Um, ok.  NOT real cool with this, but she will get her grade back up, and she will be receiving the punishment for her foolish choice.

Then, yesterday we got another phone call from the teacher.  It had been decided that the grades would NOT be brought back up.  That the best my daughter would be able to get would be not the 80% she had been promised, but it would now only reach a 60 or 65 percent.  My husband was who took the call since I was in another meeting.  Darling hubby asked the band teacher who made that decision, so that a discussion could be had.  He was told that it was administration.  The next stop was a trip to the school office for my hubby.

He asked to meet with the principal.  Once they were together in the room, the principal went over the importance of each child doing their own work, and then being graded on the work that they have done.  That helping others with their work isn't allowed.  My husband agreed with this statement, and said that he was glad that the principal felt this way because it opened the door to what he wanted to have brought into consideration.

Darling Husband went on to point out that our daughter HAD in fact, done her own work.  She didn't have any help - and was able to complete the required assignment on time, with no problems.  In fact, passed it with an "A".  We were in agreement that her choice to help other students was foolish and needed to be held accountable for that - but, the fact remains that she had done her own work.  By taking her grade away from her, not only for the first "A", but also for the second "A" when she had to replay it, that seems academically unfair.  She had proven multiple times that she was able to do her own work and do it successfully.

The principal was perplexed.  He didn't know how to respond.  He admitted that they had never faced this problem in a "cheating" situation before, and that he would have to take that under consideration and conference with his peers.

We got a phone call later that afternoon telling us that a decision had been made that her grade would be dropped.  Why?  Because they would have to prepare for the possibility that some day someone may come into a math class and do the work for everyone else.   A policy had to be set.

And, the time served in order to bring the grade up?  That won't count for anything.  Sorry.  

What you had been told was not accurate.  

What she had been told was no longer applicable.  Change happens.  

The desire my hubby and I had to throw a tantrum and raise a ruckus was strong.  After all, this was an injustice!  But, in the end we let it go.  Why?  Because our kids were watching.  We approached it from another angle at home.  Another teachable moment.  There will be times in life - more than you want - where what you have been promised isn't what actually happens.  You will have to solve the problem from another angle.  And, that's what we encouraged her to do.  We supported her, and even shared her deep anger.  But, in the end - by keeping our intervening to a minimum it allowed her a growth opportunity.  One that we didn't want to have happen, but a learning experience that she will never forget.  She has since redeemed her grade.  But, the bigger take-away has been the lesson that she has to accept the consequences of her actions even when she has done all she can in order to right the wrong.

She has also learned that mom and dad can (and will) support her as she goes through the tough stuff in life.  And, she has learned that she has the ability to overcome an injustice with grace and humility.  Hopefully that lesson will serve her well as she goes through life.