I'm not the expert, but I'm also not THAT person

Parenting has more challenges than any one person can possibly be an expert about.  In fact, just by saying "I'm the expert" that guarantees that you will have a new challenge that you didn't even know existed.  Seems like many of those who think they have all the answers, don't even have the right test.  Or, for the parent that has read all the parenting books… they forget to have their child read those same books.  Ha!

That being said, there are some basic rules about parenting that apply across the entire spectrum.  They are truths that hold true regardless of the situation, and regardless of the child.  They may not guarantee success, but they sure do make the chances of failure much less likely.  The good news is that they aren't hard.

US MOMS NEED TO STOP JUDGING EACH OTHER.  I always try to smile a gentle smile of encouragement when I see a mommy dealing with a young child and the inevitable tantrum in the middle of a store.  The mom doesn't need my judgement - she needs my support.  Kids will provide all sorts of opportunities for you to be judged by others.  Forever.  From the moment the announcement is made that you are pregnant people begin to judge your choices.  What you eat, drink, wear - it all comes under some form of "group watchdog" that seemingly critiques your every choice.

Then, the judgement on pain management meds vs. "all natural" birth plans.  Everyone has an opinion.  How about breast vs. bottle?  Then on to baby foods - organic?  Store purchased?  Made from scratch?  Let me tell you those feelings of being judged continue all the way through the teenage years with how your child drives, the choices about what college to attend, to which group of peers your child is a part of.  With each new choice comes the "mommy guilt" bogged down with all the opinions and helpful (?) comments letting you know that you are being judged.  

But, let's find some common ground.  Some areas where we can simply agree.  The basics.  What I am about to put out here are not any original thoughts, because I like to read a lot - but, they are some great rules of thumb.  Here we go:

THE PARENT/ADULT RELATIONSHIP COMES FIRST.  Babies by nature require A LOT of attention.  God plans it that way I'm pretty sure… He makes them all cute and helpless so that we care for them.  But, by the time 18 months rolls around, the shift of being child-focused to parent-focused needs to begin.  From my experiences of parenting, and watching those around me, the children who don't get to experience that shift become unpleasant to be around.  They believe they are in control - that they call the shots - they run the house.  The world revolves around them.  And, their behavior demonstrates that belief.  It is our job as parents to make the child understand that life is NOT about them, and their every desire.  There are others.  In fact, their personal wants and demands will, in fact, take a back seat to what the parents believe is best.  The child needs to see that the parents are in charge, that the parents love each other, and that they are the anchor that the child will revolve around - not that the child makes the parents revolve around him/her.  

I have watched numerous parents deal with a screaming two-year-old (and we'll just use that age as a range - it happens at all ages), where the parent is nearly begging the child with "what do you want" or "is this what you want" or "honey, please stop".  We parents will accidentally buy into the idea that a child that age - in that state of mind - even KNOWS what they want.  They don't.  What the child wants is for the parent to be in charge.  Their security comes from that knowledge.  Parent with authority.  

HAVE INTEGRITY - SAY WHAT YOU MEAN and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.  When we threaten a child with something that we have no means of doing, or even intention of doing - we erode our own integrity.  If you know that you are going to have to go to the store, but as the child is not cooperating you make the threat "stop it right now or we aren't going to go" - you set yourself up for a failure.  If the child doesn't stop the behavior, and you still go to the store - the child "wins", and you lose your credibility.  Along the same thought, when you say "I'm going to count to three and you better be over here.", but as you reach three you don't have a consequence of some sort…. again you have lost.  Parenting well requires that you do what you say you are going to do.  Mean it when you say it.  If you say you are going to count to three, then don't count to five.  If you say you will take away a toy, then take it away - and let the consequences be ugly.  At least the child will know that you mean business when you say something.  Anything less than that, and the child loses respect for you and your idle threats.  Now, you may think to yourself, "I do pretty good most of the time"…. knowing that only once in a while do you let the child win.  Yeah, about that - your child will continue to push your buttons EACH AND EVERY TIME for the slight chance that they will get their way.  Just like an addict - they want that "one time".  If they think that it may happen EVEN ONCE, they will give it a try.  When a child begins to realize that you do, in fact, mean it - each and every time.  Without fail.  And, if the consequences are uncomfortable for them - they won't want that.  Thus, the behavior has a stronger chance of changing.  Let the child know that choices have consequences be they good or bad.  

ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO FAIL.  What?  How can that be good?  We live in a time when we don't want any child to feel like they didn't succeed, so everyone gets a trophy.  We don't keep score, "we are all winners".  Newsflash!  Kids aren't stupid.  They know what the score is, even if we don't display it.  Will there be tears from the losing team?  Yes.  Will there be kids who feel sad because they didn't win?  Yes.  Here is a reality check:  the kids already know which group is the best at reading, or math, or spelling, or whatever.  In our attempt at making everyone feel good about themselves, we diminish the feeling of self-satisfaction for actually doing the best work.  We instill the "that's good enough" attitude because those that do excel only get the same trophy that the losers got anyway.  Where is the incentive to go the extra distance when all the effort is recognized as equal?  Everyone wins!  Um, no.  Letting the child experience failure allows them to build the coping skills needed for life.  In life there will be times that a person wins, and there will be times that a person loses.  That's how life works.  When a child learns to cope with those ups and downs within the safety of their childhood home, they can go on to be secure adults ready to handle the curves that life may throw at them along the way.  We are raising up the next generation.  A generation that will be entering the work force in hopes of success.  I want our children to strive to do their best because they have pride in knowing that they CAN.  The recognition comes because they earned it. We need to stop this flaky, shallow, feel-good-in-the-moment parenting mentality.  We are only fooling ourselves.

Because of a little something called FREE WILL, there are no guarantees with parenting.  Children will continue to test each and every theory that you put out there.  You can do everything by the book - everything right, and still have a child who is disobedient and a burden to society.  But, the scales for success are tipped in your favor by a the few steps outlined above.   It does take a village to raise a child.  But, in case you haven't noticed - every village has an idiot.  Don't be that person!  Parent wisely - for the good of society!