Getting Change Back

Quote on my calendar today, "We may not like change that much, but we find it easier to tolerate it when we are the ones who create it".

Oh, that is me.  I should have that T- Shirt!

I do like change - even embrace it -- as long as I am the one instigating the change.  That is way more fun than having someone else force their changes onto me.  Sigh.  As my kids grow, I find that the changes that I want them to make are not as welcome as they were when they were little.  (can't they see that it is for their best interest?)

Like this change of parenting a college-aged child.  (can I still use the term child, even? - maybe when I'm frustrated by the choices - ha!)

Before he left for college, there was a discussion between myself and him regarding decorating his dorm room.  I thought that posters would be a great thing to acquire and have ready to hang upon his arrival to bare walls.  I suggested that he go online and shop for some.  Get great prices, have them shipped right to us.  How fun is that?!  He looked at me like I had suggested he spend time in his own private hell.  He wasn't interested in having posters for his walls, even said he didn't WANT any posters.  WHAT??  How could he not want posters for his walls?  That was crazy!

I took my great suggestion to my husband, and explained our son's disdain for doing any planning in this decorating area.  Hubby looked at me and said, "ok.  Picture yourself at 18, and your mom just told you out of the blue to look at posters.  What would your reaction be?".  Humph.  Yeah, I remember not wanting my mom to run my life.  But, I didn't like it that he wasn't supporting me.

So, I whined to a close friend.  This friend has a son who is a year older than mine.  She would understand!!  She had already been through what I was going through.  I ranted on to her about the necessary poster shopping, and how my son wouldn't cooperate -and how we needed to get the posters ordered so that they would arrive before he left, and the discount, and blah, blah, blah.  What she said gave me pause to stop and think.

She pointed out that she had wanted to do similar things with her son.  He would have nothing to do with it, either.  (maybe this is a boy thing?)  BUT, she went on to explain that after her son had lived in the dorm awhile, he took the initiative to go buy the posters himself.  Then, when mom came to visit - he could show her what he had done.  He was proud, she was pleased, it turned out to be a great growing experience.  Over posters.  Great advice.  Let him grow.  At his pace.  Don't force the change.

I have applied that nugget of advice in several other areas already.  Like my son's involvement with a faith-based group on campus.  While I desperately want him to find something and get involved, I have to let him make that choice on his own.  He will figure it out.  He will take ownership of it.  And, when he does -- we will both be proud of that growing up step.  I can't rush it.  I can't make it happen.  And, if I do I will rob myself of the excitement of hearing the story come from him as he discovers that he can do it.

I am learning that just as I don't want people to force their changes on me - I can't force change on my older children.  (well, some things I can -- like making a bed!)  I have to let them figure it out.  I can provide support, knowledge, opinions, and information - being careful not to get preachy.  I can't make an unorganized child get organized any more than I can make an overweight friend lose weight -- they have to want to do it from within.  THEN, the change can happen and they can be proud.  And we can enjoy the changes together.